Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Velvet Rope Queen Rachel Uchitel–Otherwise Known as the Alleged Mistress of Tiger Woods–Lists Las Vegas Condo

SELLER: Rachel Uchitel
LOCATION: Turnberry Place, Las Vegas, NV
PRICE: $1,350,000
SIZE: 1,556 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Decorator furnished designer ground floor penthouse. 14 ft. ceilings and floor to ceiling windows. HUGE private terrace, approx. 1,700 sq. ft. with views of lush landscaping and Hilton neon sign. Private walk and entrance to pool. An entertainers dream!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay puppies, buckle your safety belts because thanks to Leonard Looselipsinlasvegas Your Mama is gonna get all tabloid on the children's backsides and discuss the Las Vegas, NV condo listed for sale at $1,350,000 by none other than Rachel Uchitel, the large lipped and too much in the news woman who may or may not have had an illicit affair with toothy golf guru Tiger Woods. It seems we can't turn on the damn tee-vee without being assaulted and confronted with the "news" about ol' Tiger running his Cadillac Escalade up on a tree in his Florida front yard and subsequently (and allegedly) offering to pay his blondie ladee-wife Elin many millions of smackers to stay married to his wholesome, clean cut and allegedly cheating butt.

At the center of the tabloid storm is our 30-something year old Miss Uchitel, who publicly denies having an illicit relationship with the golf great even though there is some circumstantial and unsubstantiated evidence that her recent trip Down Under–where Mister Woods won the Australian Masters–was booked and paid for by Mister Wood's peeps. Denial or no denial, affair or no affair, this ain't Miss Uchitel's first time at the star screwing tabloid rodeo. It wasn't so long ago that Miss Uchitel made a blip on the tabloid radar amid whispers, rumors and reports that she had done the dirty with actor David Boreanaz (Bones). Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that bit o' bidness other than Mister and Missus Boreanaz recently listed their Los Angeles home for just over three million clams. A real estate co-inky-dink? You decide. But that's another story for another time.

Here are a few other bio-bits that Your Mama has bothered to piece together from the interweb about Miss Uchitel: Although she once had a job producing news segments for Bloomberg News, working the velvet rope and entertaining high profile customers comes quite naturally, even genetically, to Miss Uchitel. Her grandfather, a man named Maurice Uchitel, once owned the celeb friendly Eden Roc Hotel in Miami and in the late 1960s owned the legendary and star stuffed El Morroco nightclub on West 54th Street in Manhattan. In 2006, Miss Uchitel made a professional 180 and moved to Las Vegas in order to open and run the VIP operations at the celebrity packed nightclub and restaurant Tao. Sometime in 2008, Miss Uchitel packed up her little black book and Jimmy Choos and headed back to New York where she oversaw VIP operations at a number of famous folk filled clubs like Stanton Social, Tao Bistro and Marquee. In the summer of 2008, Miss Uchitel commuted on weekends to the Hamp-toons where she worked her VIP stuff as the director of VIP operations for the Southampton outpost of Pink Elephant. According to a magazine profile from the summer of 2008, Miss Uchitel loves Saint-Tropez–natch–has a couple of dogs with the improbable and unfortunate names of Ozzy Osbourne and Rudy Guiliani, and dreams of following in her family foot steps by opening a modern day El Morocco.

Now that we all know more than we ever cared to know about Miss Uchitel, let's get down to real estate brass tacks. Property records reveal that Miss Uchitel purchased her "ground floor penthouse" at Las Vegas' multi-towered Turnberry Place complex in October of 2006 for $820,000. Ground floor penthouse? What the hell is that? Your Mama thinks that by definition a penthouse apartment sits on top of a building not on the damn grand floor. Anyhoo, records and listing information show this so-called "ground floor penthouse" measures 1,556 square feet, has another 1,700-ish square feet of private terrace and includes 2 bedrooms and 2 poopers.

We don't have a clue if Miss Uchitel and her nice, gay decorator are the folks responsible for the chocolate and cream colored decorating scheme or if it was a previous owner who made the mistake of green-lighting the installation of that upsetting and decoratively undignified copper mosaic tiled wall in the living room. Making the deeply disturbing mosaic matters worse is the dizzying, puzzle-like shelving unit installed on top of that glimmery and shimmery wall, which might be appropriate for a nightclub but not, and Your Mama repeats, not for a private residence. Ever. To the living/dining room's credit, there is a fab 14-foot ceiling and a long wall of floor to ceiling glass.

The gore-may kitchen is open to the combination living/dining room and has an unfortunate view of that ridiculous tile situation. The angled, galley kitchen features flat fronted wood cabinetry with an unusual but kind of nice of moiré effect, speckled beige and chocolate brown granite counter tops, a breakfast bar perfect for guests to sit and imbibe booze while the hostess makes dinner, and a full suite of top notch appliances including a Sub-Zero fridge and a Gaggenau range top.

According to listing information, the second bedroom–currently containing an cargo-ship sized desk–has a "built-in Asian Cabana," whatever that is, and a back wall punished by a grid of nine mirrored squares on which drunken guests might choose to play tic-tac-toe with lipstick. The master bedroom, all fabric walls and mood lighting, has electronically controlled curtains–which Your Mama's lazy butt loves–and a biscuit and beige marble pooper with built in cabinetry, a jetted tub and a separate shower stall.

One of the better amenities of Miss Uchitel's "ground floor penthouse" is the tremendous 1,700-ish square foot terrace that provides private access to one of the complex's many swimming pools. Unfortunately the terrace appears to be little more than a sizable slab of poured concrete with a few pieces of outdoor furniture tucked up into the corner, but that's easily remedied by a smart landscape architect. Other tidbits and treats include a custom sound system, touch pad controlled lighting and dimmers, and flat screen boob-toobs in every room. The Turnberry Place complex offers residents secured grounds, a 24-hour doorman, limo and valet service, exercise facilities and a multiple swimming pools. The Stirling Club, located in the heart of the complex offers fine dining options to invited members and their guests only.

Miss Uchitel currently resides in New York City so it's unclear how much or how often she uses her Las Vegas crib. Frankly, the place looks like it was staged by Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota so we kinda doubt she camps out there at all anymore. But as y'all know, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from a coffee cup. So really, who knows? Or maybe, who cares?

Tiger Woods and his obviously hurt and angry wife Elin have been living behind the gates of the Isleworth Golf and Country Club in Windermere, FL while building a major modern manse on 12-ish waterfront acres on Jupiter Island's S. Beach Road that The Palm Beach Post's gossip Jose Lambiet cattily described as a cross between a "Motel 6 and a beachside nursing home." Amid new and scandalous reports that Mister Woods may have had as many as 10 mistresses, the New York Post reported that last week–somehow, in the midst of all this tabloid fury–Mrs. Woods paid $2,290,000 for a house on an island near Stockholm in her native Sweden.